Guess who's back???!!!

 Yeah, yeah, yeah.  It is I, the overly observant one.  The number of occurrences, sightings, experiences and everything else under the sun that has taken place are infinite, yet yearning for a proverbial "word".  Since the explosion of other social media platforms, the love for a small, nonsensical, blog discussing the impishly outrageous sights crossing my path, have wilted to almost nothing.  But alas, I received two blast from the past phone calls reminding me of this precious nugget of solace, the blog. Now, back to the original programming....

I'm back to tell you, the secretly crazy folks wearing the little tin-foil hats are out. They are rude, prude and ignorant, dude! They are out here spewing conspiracy theories wherever they can find an unoccupied earhole.  As I reserve the right to mind my business, these BS barkers regularly put me in the position to place them in the forefront of today's discussion.  The anti-masker.

So, a particularly odd man swayed up to us on the train, grabbed the pole with the strength of a frat boy on his 10th shot and proceeded to ramble on about everything from his apartment to current events.  Not a single sentence was cohesive. With a mix of clean and ragged apparel, I figured this guy was an "eccentric" conspiracy theorist.  This was one issue, but his well-worn, dingy, disposable mask was loosely draped across his bottom lip. We repositioned ourselves to avoid the direct path of his droplets du jour. Avoiding full on confrontation is my main goal, but this was begging to be Sophie's damn Choice here!  So, the non-verbal stance was my choice move.... I adjusted my shield and tilted my head in a manner so aggressive, he likely thought I was going to ram his face. Then I sealed the deal.  I pulled out a medical-grade sanitizing spray to please the airspace between us and my hands.  Miraculously, his stop had come and this urchin was gone as quickly as he wobbled his way into our discussion.  I tell you, this place never leaves a moment to digress.  Until the next time....

A Thin Line......

Happy Sunday morning to you pretty babies, I had the pleasure of attending the Black Star Album performance by Talib Kweli and Mos Def.  Epic albom/CD, monumental performance.  I'm not one usually on the "rap" scene, but these eloquent, mentally apt (yes children, that is a word in addition to the abbreviation for 'apartment'), humble brothers took a performance to another level.  There was low security and when a problem arose, they turned the light up and handled the situation themselves, like gentleman or better yet concerned fathers.  I almost shed a tear.  Anyway.... let me stop rambling about the show and get to the entertainment, because no one comes to WKTGO for a show.

The "offender" list was so out of control between the hours of 12:30am and 4:30am I can't type fast enough!  I will try my damndest to put it all in sequence.  There is a thin line between a lot of things (love & hate, virtue & virgin, blahhh blahhh you get the idea )and we have some real life examples right here.

First up for bids....... The MTA

Breathe in........

There's a thin Liiiinnnnnnne....  

1. .....Between Coherent and Brain-Warped-  I suppose if you are manning the rails every and all day chanting the messages/stop info to assist the dedicated (dependent) riders that had to wait a light-year for the train to arrive on its weekend schedule,  mush mouth boredom might maybe the result at the end of the shift.  BUT when you have only been at work for 20-30 minutes (on the first run) there is no excuse for you to sound like you ate shrapnel coated rocks with juicy alcohol centers. I mean reallly, WTF?  We were all like, "hey, maybe its the speakers".  But I heard him speak as I exited the train at 42nd Street Times Square sounding like he sprung for the extra shot of gin before the ride.  I wonder if he knows, Gin make you sin.

2. .....Between a Restroom and a Synchronized Swimming Team Prep Station- I tell you, I was ready to start singing Mr. Sandman, swirl around and kick up a leg at the sinks in the BestBuy Theater's ladies room.  It was spectacular with its stainless steel finish, brick red terrazzo-style tiles, ample space, sink, mirrors, stalls, and light fixtures/chandeliers.  But the highlight was the sleeping attendant that awoke before I could get her photograph for you all.  Damnitsamuel!

3. ......Between Preference and Shame- Things got pretty awkward when the song "Brown-Skinned Lady" was performed, knowing that there were so few 'sistas' in the crowd and the 'brothas' has pink/white/yellow (non black or latino)-skinned ladies on there side.  I have never seen a man shrink up like the wicked witch of the east's legs under that house in the Wizard of OZ while standing.   The funny thing was the black guys looked at me like "ummmmmm, errrrrrrr hey you're hot and she's still standing next to me, right?"  Sirs, don't be ashamed of yourself or the woman you chose unless you chose her for the wrong reason (money, faux-status, easy access, etc.).  If you choose the individual based on the things we all go for (looks, body, personality, etc.) I support your decision.  And don't you even think about saying some dumb sh*t about all black women are ____________ (fill in your  own negative stereotypical Hollywood perpetuated bullsh*t).  That is not true of us all.  I like men who are of color, well-tattooed, a few key piercings, may be prone to wear black eyeliner and fingernail polish, but can still sing a church hymn and hold my hand.   This is called preference.  Resolve your 'mama issues (baby mama, your mama, etc.)

And laawwd sweet baby Jesus in the golden loincloth, poor white guys, stealing glances "ohhhhhhh she does have nice skin, are her lady lumps real?  I wonder if she'll let me touch her?  Look at her dance/pop lock!" ROFLMAO  i can't g go on with tis one, its too reckless. 

4. .....Between Inebriated and a Hot A$$-Mess- when Mos has to seriously stop the show and talk to you from the stage and Talib had to get you a bottle of water and eventually removed, because you were soooooooo off-kilter, slurry, belligerent, and obnoxious.... you need to check yourself into rehab.  The real kind.  You sir, get the Jack-A$$ of the Year Award for this one, not just a nod.

5. .....Between Sexy and 'For Sale'- okay gurls, I like to be as sexy as the next lady, but the happens to be something like common decency and a secret dress-code that you must not have gotten wind of.  Lets review.  There is a time and place for every outfit that will assure your freedom and arrest for solicitation.  

  -when wearing mini dresses, please make sure it is the appropriate kind of event.  A conscious hip-hop show in the classiest, intimately-sized digs in Times Square is not the place to look like a reject from School Daze or Sixteen Candles minus a few inches of the spandex skirt. 

-Also, be sure to wear the appropriate legwear, such as pantyhose, tights, leggings, etc. to make it look polished or trendy/funky.  Real men will find this look A LOT more approachable, because they wont fear jail time a charge for being a pimp or a john.  

- If you absolutely must go bare-legged, puuuuhhhhh-llleeeeeeaaaaazzzzzzeeeee, grease up your gams!  Lotion is for summer, so get some butters.... Shea, Mango, Cocoa, Crisco, Chicken/Chittlin' Grease or whatever you have.  Nothing says 42nd Street 1980's hooker like ashy-ass legs and a shirt as a dress. 

Breath out.........

Itchin' For A Kickin'.... Who, Where, What, and Why in NYC

Okay kids, sorry it took me so long to make a new slick-comment, laden post.  I was busy tweeting the rapid fire of hideousness my eyes have had the displeasure/entertainment of experiencing to all those who take the time out for laughter.  Now this post is a spin on the tweets from @who.kicked.it that ask poll questions and other random comments, the new and wonderful segment dedicated on venting on the people that need an ass-kickin' and the reasons why and its called (waaaaiiiit for it........) Itchin For A Kickin'!


First Offender
Who:  75% of the MTA Bus Drivers
Where:  Any given borough
What:   For generally being the worst.  Sideswiping cars with no remorse, ignoring the people wishing to ride the bus, Splashing the people on the sidewalk, and worst of all....putting buses out of service during rush hour for personal gain (cutting last run short, food & toilet runs) 
Why:  To out the worst of the MTA and get jobs to those who deserve them.

Second Offender
Who:  Chicks who wear short shorts and micro minis
Where:  Manhattan, Brooklyn (Wherever Salt-n-Pepa wannabees or Dirty Hippies may be) and the Love and Hip Hop bird, Kimbella (and others like her)
What:  For wearing clothing so short that the cellulite, fajas (girdles), the separation of sheer leg portion of the control top panty portion, confirming that you go commando or wear the wrong size undergarments.
Why:  Because it is reminiscent of the 1980's 42nd st. hookers that Guiliani worked so hard to get rid of and you might get a coochie cold, yeast infection or a summons.

Rants for the Fall..... welcome to Autumn Y'all!

Hello there, my dear people of the world.  I have a few bones to pick with some of the people of NYC.  So without any pomp and circumstance, here they are.
Volume #1
1.  Haters/Hating on fashion- The weather and leaves are changing and our fashion needs to do the same.  I cannot be responsible to those who choose to not adhere to the dress code.  With that being said, don't get pissy with me when I come outside dressed properly.  No one told you to roll out of the bed with those tacky, pilly, sweats and a dirty scarf on your head and walk around with your disrespectful kid (who should be in school at 11:30am), questioning authorities and mean mugging everyone on the sidewalk that gave at least 30 seconds of thought to their daily fashion selection.  Either wear the "tore up get-up"with pride or hang your head in shame.  Pick your choice.  Guys, this includes you too.  Don't give the cute girl a stink face because you feel inferior in your personal presentation.  Maybe she thinks you look okay, so the same solution applies to you.  Either shut up or put up.
2. "Half-Assedness"- If you are not up to par, just admit it.  Don't blame anyone for your shortcomings....period.  If you are a flake, meaning you cancel last minute, extremely late to everything or act funny in your relation/friendship with people, it's time to get yourself straight.  Unless this is a ploy to be alone.  And don' you dare get mad when the person you flake on has a snafu that holds them up from being early for you.  You are not that important and remember you are corny, Mr./Ms. Flake.  
If your are broke, find a job or a legal hustle.  Don't lay around and whine while looking for a job when the mood strikes.  If you live with mom after 30 (i'm being nice), don't say she lives with you (isn't her name on the deed?) and you look to her for all you food, shelter and clothing needs.
There's a little saying in the streets and on the courts, "go hard or go home".  I have a lil' saying from my grandma, "piss on the pot of get off".
3. Improper Labeling- Ok, I know everyone is trying to find that perfect marketing approach to sell, peddle, pimp or pass off anything for something it is not.  Take for instance, the word hand-crafted/handcrafted.  For something to be "handcrafted" it needs to 1. be a craft and 2. made by hand.  Therefore my dirty hippies, hipsters and wall flowers, a beverage, sandwich or any other temporary item  can not be called hand-crafted.  Its a real, "no $hit, sherlock" situation when it comes to food.  What else will it be made by?  Feet?  Lets try out some more appropriate labels.
Drink= Hand-mixed, individually-concocted
Food= Made-to-order
Homemade Blanket= Hand-crafted
Now that we have examples, do you see how stupid these people sound?


until the next time.....

Exceptional Students.... who taught you????

Hey y'all.... sh*t is going crazy in NYC and not just with the weather, but these arguments over the DOE vs. Charter school systems has some validity. Who in the hell taught these people how to spell or compose a sentence?  These are BUSINESS owners and managers making these "special" signs to entice us to patronize their establishments.
Some of the signs are worse than the Tampax commercials we all flip past or make fun of.  Some are in neighborhoods you would never expect.  Others had me in the street trying not to pee on myself from laughing, a instant lift when my day was going crappy otherwise.  So, take a lookie loo, pretty babies.... and tell me would you patronize or purchase from any of these magic monkeys?  Mind you some of the signs are from corporations, What is this world coming to.....?

One word for this proctology clinic ad in Bedstuy Brooklyn...Assaliciousness.

 Check out the Tuesday night Amsterdam special in the fancy mall on the boardwalk of Atlantic City.  Is it Jeremiah Weed Iced Tea Vodka or some homegrown bud with your lemonade?

 What kind of specials are Chinatown spot serving up?  Because i've heard about a 'sex pot' and descriptions of hot and or spicy individuals in massage parlors and such.  It makes me wonder will you be 'loved long time' or have an endless bowl of belly churning mystery meats and veggies?  Check out the lil' monster faced owl-like creature under the smoking bowl.... things that make you go "hmmm".

As Chanel (posing as the black Vanna White) points out in a popular Lower East Side lounge, the upscale white cardboard signage on a string.  This "lavish" VIP area is quartered off by a burgundy movie theater-style curtain..... but the real question is, who went to the hardware store for the letters?

 A hot bagel and a free phone?  How can you go wrong on a monday morning at this Coney Island bodega?

 Are 'arraments' some kind of special service to promote flora and fauna in East Harlem/El Barrio?  And the glitter glue pen artwork and magazine clipped art is stunning on a sheet of copy paper supported by blue blockout tape.

This is ALL kind of 'wrongness' I saw on Sutphin Blvd in Jamaica, Queens.  Not only do you broadcast the fact you have a baby daddy, you are bragging about his status of being superior to the other possible part-time male parents and unattached dead-beats that have honestly earned this moniker, simply by purchasing a ticket.  AND you will be parading him around at an ol' school reggae show for all of Queens and Brooklyn to see.  Then again, this maybe the event to pick up you next child's father that may actually support the child.  Lawd, Lawd, Lawd people.

Is this what happened to the original Afflac duck after he got fired?  This isn't the smoked duck I wanted for dinner, you know.

Is a 'patato' wedge anything like a 'potato' wedge?  I guess the 7Eleven in the Flatiron district seems to think so... but we all learned from previous posts here on WKTGO, just because you think its so, doesn't make it true.

Watch Your Step!

Sooooooo, I understand that NYC isn't the most tidy of places, but come on, if you get this close to a garbage can, JUST THROW IT IN THE BIN!!!!  Just for you, I have the top finds of the summer.....presenting ohhhhhh sh*t, don't step!

 
1.  "Sexual Chocolate"- positioned beautifully in BedStuy as if its a piece of art, I thought for sure I was on Candid Camera or Punk'd.  But the real question is, who put mini-blinds in the bin?2. "Chicken Wang"- gon' an do yo thang!  Look at the fence post... a styrofoam box with fries & wings next to the garbage can. What can anyone say about this in lovely Flushing, NY?  I was speechless too.

3.  Out in a "Manhattan Minute"-  Are you in that much of a hurry that you lose a shoe?  Are you looking for that Prince Charming by leaving your Coach sneaker behind with a Starbucks napkin as a handkerchief?  And for the gentleman's dress shoes.... is this from an episode of Fringe?  Is this an invisible man posing or did he just spontaneously combust?  Because notice the shoes are positioned as if they are in stride.  ONE WORD: stran-ge.

Stay tuned, pretty babies.... There will be another installment sooner than later.  I promise you will take a second look before purchasing or patronizing local businesses (to laugh of course).

Summer's here, are you ready for this???

Summer is here and prep time is done.  But some folks are having some partial adjustment issues.  Don't get me wrong, my little feet aren't opposed to an upgrade or two in the cosmetic department, but 'damnit Jim!' you can't walk around the town with these all too common, reckless issues.

1. Corns, "Hammertime", and The culprit- The reason this type occurrence is attacking summer sidewalks is a result in the prior issue of 'just because you think so, doesn't make it true'.  Just because you think the shoe is smaller, will not make your foot look smaller.  All winter you have jammed and crammed you hooves into the wrong size and now continue to purchase ill-fitted sandals that your poor toe tendons are fighting to stay atop.  Not to mention, that the corns are singing, "hallelujah im free!"

2. "The Vanishing Act"- Ok. I understand this is a recession, but this has been a problem since man discovered indigo and lacquer.
- DIY technicians, you know good and well you didn't use a base or top coat, so suck it up and remove the cracked up polish and start over.  Don't you dare run a fresh coat over that travesty lingering from last month.
-Don't go blaming the Asian nail lady, you must brush a light coat of clear polish on your mani/pedi every three days.  Yeah it seems excessive, but it will have you looking decent until you go for another pampering session.  If you are still sporting that design from last summer that you can't let go of, stop the madness and remove it.  No one knows what it was from last August.  Like a bruk-down California manicure.
- Most importantly (I can't stress this enough).....LOTION YOUR DAMN FEET!  Asian, Black, Hispanic, White people: Ladies and Gents!  Just do it!  If you fear slippery feet, slather it on early or the night before with thin cotton socks.  You feet should not resemble the cracked NYC sidewalks or powder keg coated slave feet.  NO ONE wants crusty feet shredding them to bits.  Freshly manicured toes should be glossy as you gams.

and last, but not least......
3.  "Shrimp Cocktail"-  You might have spent $200 for the sandal but they will look like a pair of $13.88 Gussinni Shoes from the 50% sale rack if you walk around with your toes gripping the edge of your shoe, or worse yet scraping the sidewalk.  If they didn't have your size, have them call another location or better yet, have them shipped to you!  Most stores do this for free nowdays.  Or pull out your Iphone, Android or Crackberry phone to good use and get it on Amazon or something.  This is another victim of "the culprit" waiting to be stricken with "hammertime".

My dear friends, I cannot stress this enough.  Your feet carry you all day long, so be good to them.  They will return the favor.  Pick yourself up and get to scrubbin'!