I will begin at the start of the madness.... After lunch with our decision to take a 1-day city tour that included a free day yesterday afternoon.
While we waited on the stairs of the Art Deco Visitors Center, a foreign woman of a Spanish descent (European or Latin, I don't know) came up t my aunt and I and said these words I will never forget.
"Ehhhm, I- how do you say, ummm, where is the Kentucky Fried Chicken?"
Once I got past the initial shock, I told her in the most irritated voice that anyone could muster in this situation, "I don't knoww, ask them <hand waving wildly at the scattered tourists>"
BIENVENIDO A MIAMI
When the tour bus finally showed up, we had to run for it, because it stopped in traffic, in front of some randomly placed signs on the sidewalk, and off hopped the guide. This guy was a puerto rican version of Waka Flack Flame, Fat Joe and a Chicano Crip (In other words, HOOD). When I saw the sliver of gold or silver metal in his teeth, I knew what kind of day this would be. He was originally a Bronx bomber who learned the justice system the hard way, so I thought it would be best I keep his identity under wraps. But this tour had some unexpected sights such as the one below. Miami's "Where is Waldo the Beach Bum" has done it again.
|Look closely at ol' "Wally" next to the Rolls Royce, Bentley Coupe, and cherry red Porche. Thank the sweet Lord for stop lights or this would have been simply my word against your belief in me. One word for this man..... Balllliiiinnnnn!!!!|
I had the pleasure of seeing the first Black barber shop in the first Black settlement of Florida. This was another area where you might feel "some kind of way" by creating a Kodak moment, so the rest of the tour was pretty uneventful. So we went to Wet Willies, and that is ALWAYS a three-ring circus that has alcohol as the ring master. The sat a chick with a set of eyes, full with eyebrows, tattooed on her back staring at my back. I decided to look away when I noticed she was accompanied by three rejects from tough guy central. She started a trend I'd like to dub, "Ain't nuthin' but a Rent Party" aka ANBRP for short (meaning: these chicks are trickin' for the dollars, because the first of the month is coming soon.
|This is a crime. 10 jello shots with 153 grain alcohol for $5|
As soon as I crossed the street, I ran into one of the ladies from dance class and her friend, seated outside of the Clevelander pool bar. As we caught up on lost chit chat, our eyes were draw to another ANBRP chick giving this geezer the cheap thrills of his life. See for yourself as she winds up for round two of the stools. They were soon joined by two of his friends and who know what kind of deals were struck.
|This is BEFORE the top came up, and AFTER|
she straddled him standing and the short stroll.
So now, things are swinging ino high gear. It was time to move on. On our trip to Lincoln Road, we encountered many raggedy, hot messes, drunks, bums, etc. But nothing could prepare us for the thing we found and saw next. I will makes this easier for you by listing the occurrences in order.
1. Lying on the sidewalk, one pair of celery green thongs. One question: Where they dropped or removed?
|Satin meets sidewalk.|
2. A UFC style fight between a stoned G.I. Jane skater chick, who was obviously well-trained in mixed martial arts vesus an "impaired" inferiorly trained guy. She kicked the bricks off this dude for 20 minutes, in and out of a famous piece of installation art at the entrance of Lincoln road. One question: Why did her husband proudly offer me to get this photo at a better angle?
3. Random undergarments strewn about the sidewalk, some with tags. I was sent this photo by the friend from dance class who left half way through the water fight. One question: Were these item flung from a window or tossed from a car?
Well, thats all I have for now, besides enjoying the "baby tacos (tiny tortilla shells)" stuffed with chicken for 99 cents each with no toppings included (I paid the extra). So good night until the next time, keep your eyes and ears open, I's sure the gate will swing past you too.